journal keeping

When people write journals, they often don't go back and read them, which is too bad. Last year I realized that I had now been keeping journals for half my life, so I decided it would be illuminating to read them from beginning to end - August 1, 1990 to the present. Starting with my first journal entry, I was first startled by the fact that I didn't feel like I was the person who had written it. Mind you, the handwriting was almost the same, and it wasn't just circumstances that were different. I felt like I was reading someone else's thoughts.

One thing that I wondered immediately was this: at what point in the journals will I reach a place where I recognize the writer as myself? I thought, maybe college, maybe the years after, but as I went on (and this took me weeks) it seemed like I was never going to become myself. I almost forgot about my earlier question because I was so busy with the amazement that my own memory of events didn't match what I had written about them.

Then I reached the place without looking for it. I said, "This is me. Without a doubt." I looked at the date and realized it was about May of 2005. This is in September of 2005. If you ever needed evidence that the self is fluid and not fixed, there it is.

One thing I was glad for is that over the years I always wrote in good times and bad. A lot of people only write when they have a complaint, which makes reading especially painful. Going forward, I realize I have to lead a life acceptable enough that it won't bore me or make me cringe when I read it in the future. I wonder if journal keeping - and reading - should be mandatory.